And Everybody Lived Happily Ever After

I’ve said before – in a perfect world, I would be the Empress and we wouldn’t have all the problems we currently face in the United States, but since the world or even the nation is not perfect, I think I’ve devised an alternative plan that could work in bringing peace and harmony to the American people without stepping on anyone’s toes.

First, beginning in the year 2008, we will split the United States into two parts. The left will assume ownership and leadership of their newly formed country and divide it into Democrat states. Some obvious names that come to mind for the states would be the “Welfare State”, the “Socialist Healthcare State”, the “Tree Hugger State” and of course, “Separation of Church and State”.

In their newly formed country they will write a new Constitution which may include anything they wish, from what to teach their children in school, to what people are and are not allowed to say at work. This new Constitution will allow them to really forge ahead in enabling…oops, I mean helping the less fortunate, making decisions for their fellow Democrats and bringing peace to their little part of the world.

Anyone wishing to live in one of the left’s states may do so. Additionally, any military personnel who are on board with the left’s ideals will be assigned to live and work in the new nation of the left and assume responsibility for the protection thereof. They will elect their own officials (wouldn’t Cindy Sheehan and Jesse Jackson make great running mates?) and they will be able to choose to withhold military and financial aid to any country they wish.


I recommend that the new country of the left be strategically placed in the areas that they all seem familiar with and clearly have superior intellect with regard to the ruling thereof. So, the United States would be separated at the points indicated on the map below.

I know, I know, it’s difficult to imagine giving up your golden years in Florida – but since Disney hosts the gay parades, it’s only fair. Besides, we still have Arizona. Of course, Jeb will have to leave, but we’ll find somewhere nice for him to live.

The Democrat’s new nation capital would be, of course, Louisiana – or more specifically, New Orleans. This would give the democrats the opportunity to really “show their stuff” – since they know so much regarding how to handle hurricanes and natural disasters. In fact – they’re getting all of the hurricane states, but since the Republicans are so inept when it comes to that stuff – it’s probably not safe for us to live there, anyway as we’ll just mess things up.

As for the Republican states – well, we would have to rename them as well…my suggestion being, “The Right Side of America”. I am also nominating Lieutenant General Russel Honoré as the first President of the Right Side of America. It seems fitting that our borders should be patrolled by the military personnel who remain with the right – and wear badges that bear our new nation’s motto – “Don’t Be Stuck On Stupid”. The Right Side of America will be able to send financial, military or humanitarian aid to anyone we wish – and withhold it from anyone we wish. I think it’s only fair that for the first 1000 years, we be unable to send any type of support to the left states….tough love, you know? After that, they will have just as much support as we would give any other terrorist harboring nation.

No need to worry if you currently live in one of the states that will be occupied by the left. The Right Side of America will be able to finance all of the relocations using the money that was previously earmarked for re-building the gulf coast.

It won’t be necessary to re-write the constitution on the Right Side of America because we can just take back our original one and put it back together the way it used to be – I’m sure there’s a copy of the original somewhere.

This model for a peaceful and harmonious United States is the closest I’ve ever seen to Utopia. I’m sure if I get the final draft ready, I can rush Congress to get this passed. I’ll just use the word NOW! at the end of every sentence. It works for Cindy Sheehan.

Feel free to submit your ideas to be included in the final draft.