New Rules

In the spirit of holiday giving and an effort to reduce my own road rage, I've put together a few driving/automobile related rules that I'd like to pass along to anyone who happens to be driving in the South Central Pennsylvania region this year (actually, these rules apply all year long...so keep them handy). Honestly, folks...I'm walking on the edge right now with the idiotic drivers around here - so here you go...

1. Put your make-up on at home. The ambulance/emergency personnel don't care if you've put your mascara on when they cut your ass out of your car.

2. If you are afraid to drive on the bypass - take the back roads. DON'T drive 40 mph in a 65 mph zone during the morning rush hour. If you're not in a hurry - take the long way!!

3. Merge, DAMN IT!

4. When finding yourself at a 4-way stop with me....it's important to remember that it's ALWAYS my turn.

5. With the exception of possibly two places in the city, where I am fully familiar with my surroundings...I'm NOT turning right on red. There is no traffic law that requires it and gesturing to me will not cause me to "remember" to turn. Honking your horn will only insure that you will not only sit through the red light - but possibly the next green light also.

6. Speaking of horns....please remember that they are designed as a "warning mechanism"...meaning that they are to be used when someone is about to inadvertently back into you or for some other near-miss type of situation. Honking your horn at me for any reason other than those stated will result in my doing the opposite of what you are trying to get me to do. So, if you really want to get where you're going - stay off the horn!

7. For those of you who have no responsibilities and are able to spend your day Christmas shopping...please remember to get where you're going by noon and stay there until at least 1:00. The extra traffic on the roadways when I am making my lunchtime dash to Starbucks is only making your world a more dangerous place. Don't you people have jobs???????

8. I don't care if you talk on your telephone, but pay attention to what the heck you're doing. If you were a good driver, your music would be up too loud to hear it ring.

9. I have really, really good insurance....and I just got new brakes. Stay off my butt!!!

10. If the light at Rohrerstown & Marietta is backed up to the tracks- don't expect me to pull on to the tracks. Yes, I am aware that the train comes through at 8am and we're sitting there at 7:45 - I don't care. You have two choices - back off and get through the next green light OR honk your horn and pull right up to my bumper and we're both sitting there until after the 8am train comes through.

Special note for Mr. Silver Volvo Station Wagon who drives on College Avenue at 7:50 every morning and has passed a school bus on the right for the past two days...I notice your license plate begins with FRK...I have the last 4 numbers...if you don't want to get your ass kicked by a girl in front of a bunch of school kids, do it again you irresponsible moron....then I'll see you again when I testify against you in traffic court.

These rules are subject to modification and additions at any time between now and Christmas - assuming I don't rocket some idiot off the front of my car before then.