The Politically Incorrect Mom


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

New Rules

In the spirit of holiday giving and an effort to reduce my own road rage, I've put together a few driving/automobile related rules that I'd like to pass along to anyone who happens to be driving in the South Central Pennsylvania region this year (actually, these rules apply all year keep them handy). Honestly, folks...I'm walking on the edge right now with the idiotic drivers around here - so here you go...

1. Put your make-up on at home. The ambulance/emergency personnel don't care if you've put your mascara on when they cut your ass out of your car.

2. If you are afraid to drive on the bypass - take the back roads. DON'T drive 40 mph in a 65 mph zone during the morning rush hour. If you're not in a hurry - take the long way!!

3. Merge, DAMN IT!

4. When finding yourself at a 4-way stop with's important to remember that it's ALWAYS my turn.

5. With the exception of possibly two places in the city, where I am fully familiar with my surroundings...I'm NOT turning right on red. There is no traffic law that requires it and gesturing to me will not cause me to "remember" to turn. Honking your horn will only insure that you will not only sit through the red light - but possibly the next green light also.

6. Speaking of horns....please remember that they are designed as a "warning mechanism"...meaning that they are to be used when someone is about to inadvertently back into you or for some other near-miss type of situation. Honking your horn at me for any reason other than those stated will result in my doing the opposite of what you are trying to get me to do. So, if you really want to get where you're going - stay off the horn!

7. For those of you who have no responsibilities and are able to spend your day Christmas shopping...please remember to get where you're going by noon and stay there until at least 1:00. The extra traffic on the roadways when I am making my lunchtime dash to Starbucks is only making your world a more dangerous place. Don't you people have jobs???????

8. I don't care if you talk on your telephone, but pay attention to what the heck you're doing. If you were a good driver, your music would be up too loud to hear it ring.

9. I have really, really good insurance....and I just got new brakes. Stay off my butt!!!

10. If the light at Rohrerstown & Marietta is backed up to the tracks- don't expect me to pull on to the tracks. Yes, I am aware that the train comes through at 8am and we're sitting there at 7:45 - I don't care. You have two choices - back off and get through the next green light OR honk your horn and pull right up to my bumper and we're both sitting there until after the 8am train comes through.

Special note for Mr. Silver Volvo Station Wagon who drives on College Avenue at 7:50 every morning and has passed a school bus on the right for the past two days...I notice your license plate begins with FRK...I have the last 4 numbers...if you don't want to get your ass kicked by a girl in front of a bunch of school kids, do it again you irresponsible moron....then I'll see you again when I testify against you in traffic court.

These rules are subject to modification and additions at any time between now and Christmas - assuming I don't rocket some idiot off the front of my car before then.


  • At 8:52 PM, December 05, 2006, Blogger Neo-Con Tastic said…

    What happens when I approach the 4-way stop and it's ALWAYS my turn?!?

    Otherwise, I'm in complete concurrence with your road rules.

  • At 8:56 PM, December 05, 2006, Blogger P.I. Mom said…

    Neo -
    It's never your turn. It's always MY turn.
    But you'll never have to encounter that - I don't go to work via Milwaukee. It can be your turn there.

  • At 8:58 PM, December 05, 2006, Blogger P.I. Mom said…

    BTW - welcome back NEO - been waiting for you to get back from your business trip and say SOMETHING.

  • At 6:30 PM, December 06, 2006, Blogger Disgruntled Car Salesman said…

    No, it's MY turn always in Milwaukee.

    The correct spelling is "brakes," btw.

    I would love to be there when you kick that guys ass in front of school children. Awesome.

  • At 8:45 PM, December 06, 2006, Blogger P.I. Mom said…

    Thanks for the heads-up on the misspelling - I fixed it. That's why you're the exceptional car guy and I'm in healthcare...all I know about cars is that I want a black, 2008 Tiguan with black and orange leather interior!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The only way to settle the four-way stop thing in Milwaukee is to either actually consider obeying the law - I believe it's counter-clockwise, unless it's a new moon on the second Tuesday of the third month when the sun is in Jupiter...or...whomever is better looking gets to go first.
    That's why it's always my turn in Pennsylvania. :-P


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